Hi. It’s been a long time since I write something that’s been on my mind. I went through a lot of things back then, hectic schedule — of studying because I need to pass my university and national board exam, of moving out from the city that I’ve never feel at home at, of parting and saying half assed goodbyes (since I can’t meet them in real life because of COVID, and that’s freaking suck because you can’t get a proper closure and farewell), of planning what path am I gonna choose for my professional career, of what should I do to better myself, of future that is uncertain and scary. Everything has been so hectic, yet sometimes I found myself feeling so empty and numb out of nowhere. And I think now I know what is the cause.
The fear of being left behind. By people. By my friends. By my cousin. By my colleagues. By my acquaintances.
In my age everything feels like spinning and rolling so fast, fast and fast until I can’t catch up. I’m afraid that I’m not doing something meaningful like my friends did. I’m afraid that I’m not progressing fast like my colleagues did. I’m afraid that I will be single forever (well now that doesn’t sound like a bad thing while raising some dogs and cats at my home). Everyone seems to know what they are doing and they are going to do (even though I know that they are confused too like me but I can’t help thinking like this sometimes).
Everyone is going to a new chapter in their life, be it career wise, romantic wise, family wise (and I’m so happy for them, really!)
But I don’t know…. I feel like they have a lot of choices in life, and yet here I am. Feeling. So. Trapped. Out. Of. Nowhere.
Ugh so sorry for being so depressing.
I feel like I’ve wasted all my pre-adult life with being depressed, and overall that truly affect my whole performance and productivity back then. And I am so mad of myself because I know I could grow a lot from a lot of experience that was offered back then but I refused it!!! Because I was depressed?!? Omg…… I’m so mad at myself. But then again, I know that it’s not my fault entirely and I can’t turn back the time like Doraemon did. It’s useless to think about the what-ifs, and I want to focus on the present instead.
My friend Arsya told me that I am like onion, someone need to peel my layer off one by one until I reveal my true emotion. And I was like huh???? That’s kind of correct. But I know that I can’t wait for someone to peel my layer off, I have to peel it off by myself. Peel it a.k.a knowing myself more, studying it, nurturing my inner child just like how I raised my own kid. It was the core of my fear. I’m afraid that I am a failure by comparing myself to others. I’m afraid that I am not enough for everyone. I fear that I’m left behind. And it was the result from my childhood wound.
And I think the problems that we are facing now with ourselves, mostly, came as a result from our childhood. It embodies inside our brain: as our fear and feeling, as our defense mechanism, as our attitude and demeanor. I hope that by nurturing my inner child little by little, I can shake of this feeling of uncertainty and emptiness. Since I know that there’s no one that can fix me other than myself.
